Her War .

My pillow never dries up.  I keep on crying. My head won’t stop aching.  I keep on screaming.  My dreams are no more.  I stay awake.  My body is in pain. I keep hurting myself. My heart stopped feeling. I keep distance. My thoughts are scattered.  I keep thinking.

I stopped trying , it was pointless. The light and potential were shuttered. I am a laughing stock to everyone . I can’t loss weight, I don’t have the money to fix my teeth.  In my dark room I sit alone in my thoughts. I see myself and am not proud. I cry day by day. Alone by myself. Okay in the open. Deep down sorrow, shame , hopeless, not proud of me. What’s left ? Nothing. A blade becomes the ease. Every cut comforts me. Hating , yelling and cutting only me. I am ugly , imperfect, unsuccessful , a disgrace. I am pathetic.

Following……..

She closed her eyes and opened them.

I find my self on a bed , in a hospital bed, tubes in my hands, doctors around me … I am weak , my head hurts . I cry. I am afraid. Until …..

 

Her deep inner self…

I have got to get up and make a move. No one is here for me but  me. I am strong am I wise , I cant be perfect but I can be outstanding. I got to lift me for me.

The flashbacks of her recent life…. Moved her n she tried to find herself n her peace. And she did.

I am happy. People shouldnt define you. I allowed them to get to me. But now I take charge. I was hard on myself for being the fat girl they called me , the girl who is not like other girls , the girl with bad teeth , I re-designed myself am all that. There is no one in the world like me! Am worth it.

Am sorry for trying to hurt me.

 

Hurting yourself , beating yourself , not being proud of who you are , wanting to get rid of yourself,  Its not worth it. You are beautiful with your scars , you are capable of anything. Dont let anyone define you!! 

I tried to cut short , but base the whole story for you not to get bored .

Based on a true story. 

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Be you . Just do you.

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What is more beautiful than being you ? Having the confidence to stand out and just being yourself always ? I mean you dont owe to nobody to be perfect. We all fuck up all the times. Thats why am saying just do you.

You want to step out and shout you love yourself …. Be my guest, you want to go to all shoots as possible and capture the moments , what the hell are you waiting for … Just fucking do it !

You love modeling and stuff and when you take pics people be talking, your just doing it for the fame or just for people to see.. Thats their fuckin problem , thats what they think and I mean …..do you care ? Do i care ? No ! Go on…. And take more and more.  Let them talk …. You know what actually , They are just your fans dont worry about them!

You want to be a YouTuber ….and someone comes to you and tells you …naah mehn you cant. Just leave it to others . Excuse me ! First, dump that ass out of your life …..then take that camera or whatever gadget you got and do your thang !!! Do let anyone rule over you . Thats bullshit ! You want to be perfect …for who ??

I think this is where we go wrong ….too concerned and drawn to what people will say, what they will think ….. Ma nigga let people talk …if they dont talk i mean …its not like they will start barking instead 😂😂….. Let them be!

For me if  I see people just talking about me it all about Sly ….oh she did this , she has changed , she is mean , she is a snob , she did this to me , she said this ….. I am truly  the most happiest person in the world … You know why ? They took their precious time to sit down just to talk about me … Am that special to them …am such an interesting topic 😂….. You know …. I never care what they say. Cause  I know me …I know my intentions and I got no time to prove to nobody ! Wanna say am a whore , go ahead …. I know am not.

So babes …you over there …Do you , Be you .  You got the power. No one has your power. You are the only one who determines what next in your life! And if you allow yourself to listen to people or worry about what they will thinking, you will just fuckin drown!

Be . Extra . Be You . Do you .

 

Should i forgive and forget , or just forgive? #Wronglove

As much we are young and we might not understand the meaning of love , we have affections , feelings we feel toward each other right ?

Well i love someone, or should i say loved. After this many will have their judgements, conclusions, critics and all. Its fine but am not asking for any attack.

So …where was I ?Oh! Yes …. I love/loved someone [ no names included for personal reasons] . He is the most annoying, difficult , goofy, funny guy . He annoys me and still makes me smile . Yes i smile at times cause of him … Though countable times (yikes….. I know right?!)Anyway, I am attracted to him deeply , and  I am certain I Love him but the problem is he cant be loved . (Twisted right ? Just the begining …enjoy!)

So now this guy … Okay yes i love him blablabla … I know your asking yourself then why cant he be loved. Okay … Here … He lives a double life .  (still lost ? ..i know… Me too ) He says he loves him … But i doubt him each time he opens his mouth to say that … 😢… I try to believe but i just cant … Am not being petty .. No … I am just protecting the soul that he hurt before when i belived him . (Before ???? Yes its a back n fourth thingy )

So the before …thingy …. He once , twice …okay he has done alot of hurtful staff to me…but i still stick with …Reason …i also dont know …  He has shown me am not worth , put the blame on me , thrown shade , embarass me, back stabbed me , taken me for granted .  (I know you … You like …sis and wtf are you still talking about loving him ?) I cant answer that either .

Apparently on realization, he realizes what he did…(this is the first round) ….he says his sorry …. And i forgave him . So the second time is more nasty actually , he talks shit to me ,then accuses me of  things i couldnt relate … But this time i had enough …and just stayed away from him. Then God’s plan, On a Friday August 29th , we bamp into each other in the streets. I was confused ,uneasy cause first i didnt want to see his face , second because he made me think am not worth . We just said hi and left . Then @9:33pm/21:33pm he texted me to apologize , he is sorry for how he treated me and all …  I didnt forgive him that instance … But after a while i did .

{FYI… The date and time always in my head  …apparently  😂 }

Kind heart …right? Well yeah … Its life anyway . So we spend a while …and made a connection between us … But it was still not all settled . Fights came in lots of arguements here and there …and i still held onto him … It was hard i had an option to leave … But it was hard for i loved him….this guy though 😂….

A new chapter ,he thanks me for always being there , he gives me support and was there when i needed him not alwayws though 😂… So life was a back n fourth …very unplanned ,

So ….i have been through it all with him … I love him … He may not see it but i dont lie i mean my word…. And now i forgave him …but should i forget ….his deeds? Should i hold on to him ? Not give up ?

I love you.

But the greatest happiness of life is the conviction we love and we are loved

What happens after a breakup? What next? What to do ? How can I?

Its okay to act like a totally different person after a breakup. Pscycologists, therapists, scientists, say that a bad breakup can affect you in the same way as one kicking a drug habit!

Its okay to cry,its okay to want to have your time. Totally okay. Be there for you!  You loved her/him and now its over …. Now is the time to have self-preservatio.

I once loved….. We all fall in love and the moment you find the one who sticks by you and is there for you, you  let your guard down forgeting nothing lasts forever. Dont we?

Well …I let my whole self and didnt think of what was to be there next . Sigh …. And all that …

Isn’t it funny how the memories you cherish before a breakup can become your worst enemies afterwards? The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and view from every angle–it suddenly seems a lot safer to lock them in a box, far from the light of day and throw away the key. It’s not an act of bitterness. It’s an act if self-preservation. It’s not always a bad idea to stay behind the window and look out at life instead, is it?

Am just saying let it all out whatever you’ve got …its okay to be a different person when dealing with a break up.

I know, sometimes it feels you are an iconoclast, but no you are not. You just have to move,or replace what you cannot have anymore . I did so and so can you !!!!

Some tips to share with what i came to learn,

If you fail at something else, you retreat  into something else. Nothing … I reapeat nothing changes you . You are you just without out the second person you got fond of and in love with …thats all.

Deep search yourself….console yourself and work on you!

It is our wounds that create in us a desire to reach for miracles. The fulfillment of such miracles depends on whether we let our wounds pull us down or lift us up towards our dreams.

Be strong, love yourself, work on you . Never give up. Fight and if still young there are many frogs to kiss still until your time is right to have your prince or princess!                          – Kelly Kiarie.

PUBLIC VS PUBIC!!😒😭😂

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So now our dear fellow teenagers have decided to do this for fame😷. Well its so worrying and very disgusting!!! I must say. Throw your shade at me and say am preaching oooh sijui i am pretending to be all sijui grown up …eeh niite kila kitu unataka ….i will say what i have to say eeh !!!  Girls oh my God its so shameful to see that you can actually stand with your boobs out … making matters worse a boy can do whatever he wants , touch you anywhere just to take a photo to get likes n followers … Really? (kama ni bae …please jiekeeni tafadhali!!!). Okay lemmi not condemn you perhaps, “you are not aware it is not right to have explicit photos all over the social media.” so i will be soft 😂

Lets begin with:

What makes you afford being called a lady of substance ?

Do you see yourself as a lady? Whatever you do … Can someone stand confident and call you a lady?

A lady of substance respects herself, loves herself dearly, is decent in speech and dressing, knows her body is the Lords temple and is clean enough to stay away from stray dirty hands

Manze guys … You can always smile ….and still get the likes your looking for  😑 ….lemmi ask … Once you get this likes and followers …after that … What next …has it paid your school fees,paid all your bills ,???  Kindly respect yourself!!!!

As per the guys …not sure to call you men …cause …eeer … Real men dont have such a caliber. No offence!

You should respect a girl just as you respect your mum. Treat them like they are fragile. Be caring towards them. In such an event, if the girl is willing for you to touch her and whatever tell her to her face No …but with respect and talk to her and tell her the reality chase! Simple!. If all guys would do this. The “Man world” would be a beautiful place to live in. So please! dont support ,stand there and enjoy …. Would you as a father be happy to see your daughter in such a photo? Ask yourself such questions before doing such disgusting acts.

For the girls …as a mother would you like your growing daughter to see such photos of you? Would you …

Its a shame… And its something to cry about for those making fun about it. And stupidily there are those who are confidently  defending themselved saying that;its their body they can do whatever they want to do with it…. Please … Keep your body we are not interested to see . We have what you have no offence! …  jiweke!!! manze… Like 😑😒  all this is bullcrap ..!!!!!  And SHAME!!! Big shame … And this are the same girls who will complain this certain boy has no respect towards me … Really??? how do you expect to be respected when you yourself aren’t.

Now that its done …. The problem isnt only with the “models 😂 actually i take that back …  The people in the photos the “photographer” behind the photos. Shame on you !!!  Tusibishane … That is not art … Please! Oh ! your actually not a photographer you just happen to own a camera  thats all … So please …shame on you …

Parents … This is not the time you ground your child or beat them up …No! Talk to your child …sit down with them and have a talk … It will be effective am not a parent but my parents have done the parenting and i am proud of them for who i am today and my siblings as well!

So …. I guess to stop this … My suggestion … Photographers should have a license!! … Professionals !!😂😂 to save the society … 😢😥😰

Publicity will kill you if you take it too serious !!! ✌

 

 

Is it love …. What is love?

When i was a little girl, I was young and naive. My parents were the only people i knew of as growing up. And i was a happy joyful kid.

My mother didnt exactly sit me down and taught me what love is. Her patience, kindness, care and the kisses she gave me was enough proof that, that was affection from the heart. Love . The love of a mother is the most beautiful thing in the world.

A mother loves her child and father teaches his child how to survive in this world.

Growing up, I was taught that sex meant sin and carnal love was wrong.  We are all sat down and taught, told stories and lectured on this various topics right?

A story of a girl … The story tells and unfolds, foretells or confesses, guides…

Exquisite beauty.! We say , she was beautiful and full of laughter.

She ached for love returned when she was young and green; with ardour she pursued the boys-  perhaps she was too keen. She craved for the tall , beard, funny , dusky perhaps, light lads that were all beyond reach, remote like sun-tanned goddesses upon some palm-fringed beach.

Apparently through her “pursuing” there was one, she came across. He had some deep brown eyes and tanned skin. He was not all stooped. Good news for her perhaps. Bushy eyebrows, lips that were so attracting , and around his eyes were laughter lines. Supposedly he was always happy.

How will the story turn out to be ?  Happily ever after ? Loving him was wrong ?

 

 

And God Knows Why?

Million feelings. Worst of them is battling. Between what you know and how you feel. 

Each time I close my eyes and think of what I… Did ,done,do. Why it had to be me. In my dark room, still half-asleep, I leave my dreams abed: I comb my hair, to try to sweep away the cobwebs from my head;

I creep amongst my deepest thought beside my million feelings. How silent is my dark room.But, chaotic in my thoughts.

Victim in all her ….my … Action. Wrong turn and words I… Falling and falling deeper in my thoughts.

Beckoning to awake but the heart gets involved. Bleeds in cold blood for … Why did I have to be me

And God knows why?